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Horrors Unspoken

by Juliet Benson

(01-2000)


Title: Horrors Unspoken
Author:
Juliet Benson
Rating: G
Category: Humor
Summary: Our boys. Twenty years ago.
Disclaimer: To spice it up for you:

Not mine *bum bum ba dum!*
No mola *bum bum be dum!*
Theeey beloooong to Peeet Flyyyyy *be be bum da!*
Spoilers: For the Blair Witch Project


NARRATOR: Twenty years ago we sent our Cascade Police, Major Crimes department into the streets of Cascade to document their journey. They disappeared without a trace. A year ago, this video (which wasn’t invented at the time, but they somehow managed to make due) was found.

fade out into

OPENING SCENE:

the camera is on, and being fussed over by members Jim, Blair, Rafe, Brown, and, of course, Simon. the picture is shaky and unfocused, but the viewers are able to pick out the Cascade Police sign dimly lit neon green in the background

Blair: OK, OK! Enough of this already. I’m the cutest, I’ll handle the camera.

the camera is jarred terribly, and the sky is spinning around in a dizzying arch before coming to rest at what is apparently Blair’s view of the world. the outlook is noticeably more rosy than it was before. the boys come into view, all wearing uniforms looking suspiciously like stolen Boy Scout outfits freshly hung out to dry on the clothesline.

Simon: All right, are we all set, then?

Rafe: All set, boss.

Jim: OK, guys. Let’s move out!

the camera begins to bounce with Blair’s footsteps. the people present day watching the movie throw up from motion sickness. the boys strut down the streets of Cascade, talking as they go.

Brown: And this building was constructed in… Um, when Blair?

Blair: 1209.

Jim: That’s right folks. It’s a pretty old building. Lots of people like old buildings. Some people even study old buildings. But we don’t, and we’re bored, so we’re moving on.

the boys head to the more… *cough* adult section of Cascade.

Jim: OK! Now we’re going to have some fun!

Boys: Yeah!

Blair: Wait!

Boys: *sigh grumble*

Blair: Guys, I know this video isn’t meant for kids, but it is only PG-13. Don’t you think we’d better use a little discernment?

all the lads look at their shoes

Blair: Besides, we’re wearing Boy Scout uniforms

all newsies solemnly make the Boy Scout sign

Jim: Thanks for setting us straight, Blair.

Blair: Was that sarcasm, Jim?

Jim: You know I never practice anything I can’t spell, Chief.

Blair: Funny, you somehow manage to l-i-v-e.

Boys: Ooooh!

Jim looks perplexed, and is working hard on figuring out how this is an insult

Rafe: Let’s get moving guys, these uniforms are terribly revealing.

Simon: I’m with him on that one. Save your tiff for later.

Brown: Did you guys hear something?

all the boys break out into hysterical laughter.

Rafe: Ha ha!

wiping tears from his eyes

Rafe: That’s a good one, H!

Brown: No, you guys, I really hear something!

Jim: You’d think this was a horror flick or something!

bach’s fugue in F major plays

Act II

our boys are now hanging around the park, eating outrageously expensive ice cream

Blair: I should have gone with strawberry.

Rafe: Ew… I feel sick.

Simon: Um, Rafe, maybe you’d better stand over there.

Blair: Did anyone see that?

the lads break out into laughter

Blair: Guuuys!

suddenly, Jim gasps

Jim: Look at this, everyone!

he picks up a box from the ground. the boys all crowd around him

Jim: It’s a severed Beanie Baby !

Simon: Are Beanie Babies invented yet?

all boys look at Blair

Blair: Why do you guys always ask me?!

Brown: Aauuuuuuuuuuuggggh!

Major Crimes Youths: Aauuuuuuuuuuuggggh!

Jim: Great Scott! It’s…

Boys: The Cascade Witch!

Jasmine: Aladdin? Where are you, you yellow-bellied coward?

Aladdin: You guys gotta help me! She won’t leave me alone!

the camera, badly shaking, focuses on Jasmine, who fixes a death-ray glare on our boys. she advances

Major Crimes Youths and Aladdin: Aauuuuuuuuuuugghh!

the camera falls to the ground and the screen goes black

The End

credits roll

Jim runs by, Jasmine following, screaming after him. Jim wears a look of total panic

This film is brought to you from the abyss that is Juliet’s mind. Thanks to our sponsor,
Alley Kat Toys. "Get a toy that’s meant for you and your trash!"

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